Dear Mr. Easter Bunny,
My mom said I should write another letter to you because I don’t like the way she answers my questions. Question #1—Are you real, Mr. Easter Bunny? My mom says, “What does your heart tell you?” My heart tells me that giant bunnies are terrifying, even if they’re dressed in pastel clothing and delivering candy-filled eggs to my house in the middle of the night. Have you ever seen the movie Donnie Darko? I don’t recommend it.
I prefer that old movie, Harvey, with Jimmy Stewart. But there’s really no way to know for sure what Harvey looks like, since he’s invisible. Question #2—Can you turn yourself invisible? That would make it easier to hop in and out of people’s homes undetected, I bet.
Question #3—Why don’t girls like me? My mom says, “Girls don’t understand you, Robert,” which is a terrible answer. My mom is a grown-up girl, and she understands me.
Question #4—Instead of chocolate and dyed eggs this year, could you please give me a picture of yourself? I’d like to be 100% certain that you are a kind-looking giant rabbit and not the freaky Donnie Darko sort. Thanks a lot.
Your biggest fan,
How is Mrs. Easter Bunny? And the kids?
Dear Mr. Easter Bunny,
I’ve had it. I’m sick of the chocolate eggs and the jellybeans and the broken promises and your loser friends. I know that Easter is just a few days away, and that you need me now more than ever, but guess what? I’m not decorating another egg! I do all the laundry, all the cooking and cleaning, and I’m homeschooling our kids—all 57 of them! You don’t even know all their names, do you?
Why are you still carrying around that ratty old basket, after I gave you such a lovely new duffel bag for your birthday? Don’t you notice anything I do for you? By the way, I mailed your picture to that odd Robert fellow who keeps writing—the most unflattering picture I could find, because if you actually cared about Robert, you would have written him back ages ago. I hope he’s not too disturbed by the sight of your enormous hairy belly, lavender shorts, and garish yellow-and-orange bowtie. You’ve obviously been sneaking chocolate eggs between meals, ignoring your doctor’s advice. Your lavender shorts are three sizes too small. Do you know how hard it is, getting our kids to eat their hay and leafy greens when all they ever see their daddy eating is candy? And the fact that we live in a chocolate-egg factory certainly doesn’t help matters.
So here’s the deal: I’m loading the kids in the bus, and we’re visiting my mother. We need to get away from the smell of marshmallow and chocolate, and reconnect with nature. I hope you understand. Get some of your no-good friends to help you with the egg-decorating. Bugs Bunny is a great painter…when he’s sober. And Peter Rabbit would probably be more than happy to steal whatever you need from Mr. MacGregor’s house.
I left you fresh berries and salad in the fridge. Please don’t eat chocolate for dinner. I’ll come back when I’m ready to come back, and not a minute sooner. My mother says I should have married Roger Rabbit. She’s wrong. I still love you, Bun. I just want you to take better care of yourself, and give me a hand around the house from time to time, and make new friends, and get your priorities straight.
Good luck with all your deliveries.
Mrs. Easter Bunny
WE LOVE YOU, DAD!!!!
Cutesy, Fluffy, Bucky, Pinky, Milly, Billy, Josephina, Boo-Boo, Dee-Dee, Zuzu, Lulu, Juju, Candy, Dandy, Cotton, Chucky, Willow, Carla, Biff, Thomas, Allen, Mitzy, Bam, Twinkle, Norbert, Jamie, Taffy, Caramel, Nougat, Sweetie, Lolly, Nutzy, Silk, Gruff, George, Lucky, Spot, Dot, Furman, Herman, Washington, Jefferson, Lincoln, Roosevelt, Kennedy, Reagan, Obama, Rose, Fanny, Jingle, Belle, Cookie, Cadbury, Snickers, Reeses, Brownie, & Marlon Bundo
More Easter humor by Maria Roth: