Mothers of Obnoxious Candy Hoarders (M.O.O.C.H.) met last Monday in Shawnee, Kansas, to prepare for Halloween. Rachel Sanders, 34, and her best friend, Amy Jarvis, 32, founded M.O.O.C.H. in 2015 to save their children from the harmful physical and psychological side effects of eating too much candy. “All that sugar shouldn’t be inflicted on our kids’ sweet, pristine little bodies,” Jarvis explains. “It rots their teeth and corrodes their brains. Responsible moms need to step up to the plate and take one for the team. Or, in this case, take at least 30 mini Snickers bars.”
All 57 members of M.O.O.C.H. gathered in Jarvis’ backyard for a weenie roast, followed by the traditional Chocolate Gorge ceremony. “The ‘Chocolate Gorge’ is necessary to prime our bodies’ chocolate-digesting enzymes,” says Sanders. “If our enzymes are too sluggish, we won’t be able to eat as much of our children’s candy, which increases our children’s risk of developing ACC (Acute Chocolate Coma).”
The brave women endured five grueling rounds of chocolate onslaughts, bingeing on Butterfingers, Snickers, Reese’s peanut butter cups, Nestle Crunch, and Almond Joy bars, before facing “The Destroyer”: a half pound of candy corn, mixed with Sweet Tarts, Skittles, M&M’s, Jolly Ranchers, Twizzlers, and peanut taffy.
Dawn Barker, 42, vomited in Jarvis’ bushes midway through the Almond Joy round. Kelly Henderson, 35, completed the chocolate onslaughts in record time, but could not handle The Destroyer. “The peanut taffy ruins me. It’s so…so gross. Who are the monsters who give this cheap crap out to innocent children, year after year?” she muttered before passing out on Jarvis’ lawn chair.
The other 55 MOOCHers paced themselves like pros and earned their merit badges. The women then broke into groups to map out their children’s most lucrative trick-or-treating routes.
Heather Green, 31, shocked the women in attendance by bursting into tears and admitting that she felt guilty whenever she stole candy from her children. “Wouldn’t it be easier to stop collecting so much candy in the first place?” she said.
Outraged, sugar-crazed MOOCHers descended on Green, tore her merit badge to shreds, and pelted her with Jolly Ranchers. Jarvis activated her sprinkler system, soaking the hysterical women.
With order restored to the proceedings, Sanders declared, “MOOCHers stick together! Where children and candy are concerned, we must act swiftly and decisively. Our children accumulate massive amounts of candy on Halloween night, and try to hoard it all. They want lollipops for breakfast, candy bars for lunch, and Laffy Taffy for supper! What do we say to these obnoxious, candy-hoarding children of ours?!”
“NO!” the wet MOOCHers cried.
“We wait until they’re asleep, and then we steal all their Kit Kats!” Whitney Nickum, 29, added.
“Don’t forget,” Sanders asserted, “that when we eat our children’s candy, secretly, in the middle of the night, we send a clear message: We are saying to them, ‘I love you too much to allow this sugar to destroy your stomach lining and turn you into hyper, shrieking monsters. I love you too much to watch you succumb to ACC!’ Remember the 75% Rule!”
“What’s the 75% Rule again?” Heather asked as she removed the last of the sticky, half-melted Jolly Ranchers from her face.
“Duh!” Jasmine Meeker, 29, exclaimed. “On Halloween night, after your kids are asleep, you steal 75% of their candy. That’s your cut! The rest is theirs to do with as they please.”
“But my kids are smart,” Heather said. “They’d notice if I took that much candy out of their bags…”
“Are you calling my kids stupid?”
Jarvis stepped between Jasmine and Heather. “Ladies! Jasmine, sweetie, your kids aren’t stupid. Reggie’s not, anyway. The 75% Rule can only be applied to children under the age of 3. For older kids, we ask that you follow the 50% Rule. When the kids demand to know what happened to half of their candy, shrug your shoulders and don’t say a word. They’ll eventually blame a sibling or dog or cat, or Dad. No one ever suspects Mom.” Jarvis smirked, adding, “Is it immoral to steal candy from our children? Is it immoral to tell stories about Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny? Clearly, the answer is no.”
M.O.O.C.H. concluded their meeting with a rousing hymn, “Stealthily We Eat Candy So Sweet.” Sanders and Jarvis cleaned up the candy wrappers and vomit.
“M.O.O.C.H. isn’t for everyone,” Sanders admits. “But women who are interested in joining should bribe us with expensive chocolate right away. Halloween is just around the corner.”
More Halloween humor by Maria Roth:
Edward Jacoberg: A Horror Story